When we feel low, depressed, or even stressed, our social contact with others tends to be the first thing that goes out the window. When we are feeling, “not so great” or “down in the dumps”, we tend to isolate socially. We don’t check our text messages. We ignore phone calls. And when it’s really bad, we flat-out cancel plans. This is because of the belief that we need to protect ourselves, limit ourselves, and shield ourselves to build back up our energy reserves.
But what if the opposite were true?
According to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), one of the reasons we get depressed is that we stop engaging in activities that help us to have a sense of connection to others. This sets the stage for all types of sinister thoughts to sink in. “No one cares about me. No one understands me. People don’t like me. I’m worthless, and if people knew the real me, they would reject me”. The cure to better mental health?? To challenge those thoughts by actively planning out social activities with others, get back in the saddle. It could be as small as sending a funny meme to a co-worker all the way up to planning a night out on the town with the girls.
Even further, according to Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), we get depressed after sudden or drastic changes in our relationships, especially if those changes are the result of conflict, bereavement, or major life events, positive or negative (moving home, having a baby, losing a job, getting promoted, getting divorced, etc.) We can also become depressed if we struggle to initiate, maintain, or have adequate social relationships. This could be based on the number of relationships (how often we see or talk to one another) or even the quality (our needs for companionship, advice emotional support, etc., just simply aren’t being met).
The cure to better mental health??
To emotionally process the events that led to low mood, but also to spend time building up our social networks. This might include repairing relationships, contacting the “long and lost”, or creating new relationships.
Now, from an evolutionary perspective, we need people. Back in caveman times, we needed others to survive. Living in a tribe meant being safe from other tribes or predators. Living in a tribe meant more than one hunter out for the kill or more than one gatherer picking up berries. Either way, there was a higher chance of getting a good dinner. Living in a tribe meant more than one caretaker to help with childbearing. “It really does take a village”. Even in modern times, we still have a vast range of different social needs. We still need others to help us fulfil these needs for esteem, understanding, practical help, company, information, and even to help us achieve our goals.
So if the need to feel a sense of belonging is, in fact, physiologically hard-wired into our brains, what do we do when we just simply “need a break from the world?” Simply “keep calm and carry on”! Still socialise, but do it in smaller doses or at a slower pace.
So use your friends, your family members, your work colleagues, your partner to get you through the hard times.
Here is a list of ways you can “use” people:
- To distract you and help you take your mind off of things.
- To remind you of happier times.
- To help console you.
- To remind you that happier times will return.
- To help you see things from a fresh perspective.
- To help you engage in activities that spark joy.
- To agree with you and tell you how unreasonable “so and so” is being.
- To make you laugh and laugh with you.
- To hug you or hold your hand when you cry.
- To hold your hair back after that raucous night you had.
- But most of all, to remind you that they love you, care about you, and wish nothing but the best for you.
by Carol Lawrence, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) at Klearwell.